Humor: Don’t Count Your Chickens Before They Evolve
by Mark ReCupido
“Which came first: the chicken or the egg?” This is a stupid question, because the answer is obvious, and both believers in Darwin’s theory of evolution and the Bible can agree. (I’m not sure about followers of Scientology.) The chicken must have come first.
I’ll start proving it with religion, because that’s the easiest (they don’t require a lot of/any proof to believe.) God created Adam and Eve, not the uterus. But don’t take my extrapolation for it. “Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air.” (Genesis 2:19) I don’t see one mention of eggs there, just beasts and birds: of which latter group chickens are a part of.
I don’t know if the person who first asked this had ever taken a biology class, or if anybody since then has ever paid attention during one, but one thing I remember about the whole egg thing is that they have to be incubated. “Nearly all fertilized chicken eggs will hatch after 21 days of good conditions - 99.5 °F ” (Yes, that’s from Wikipedia, but prove it wrong) Guess what keeps the egg at that temperature? Chicken butt. (This is the first time that has ever been a valid answer) But I will give you that there is a possibility that during the summer, the egg could maintain this temperature without the need for a parent chicken. Next point: if you’ve ever attended a Chicken Lamaze class, you would know that mother chickens are supposed to get up every once in a while and turn the egg with its beak or else. Or else what? “If the eggs aren’t turned, the embryo inside will stick to the shell and may hatch with physical defects.” Just how long do you suppose a chicken who can only hobble around in a circle will last? And lastly, there’s the greatest reason why biologically the egg could not have hatched without a chicken: protection. If I remember one thing from biology, (note: I remember a lot) it’s that animals like to eat other defenseless animals. One of the most important jobs a parent chicken has is keeping the egg in a safe place and cock fighting anything that tries to eat it. Therefore, the odds against an egg successfully hatching and the chicken living to procreate without a chicken to care for it are astronomical. An egg just cannot survive on its own. But stranger things have happened, right? Wrong. E=McChicken² proven.
There is one caveat, however. The question “Which came first: the chicken or the egg?” is very vague. There are all kinds of eggs. If the egg in question is in fact a chicken egg (defined as an egg that comes out of a chicken’s ass) then the above paragraphs stand. However, if the egg is just any general egg, then the egg came before the chicken since dinosaurs were around before chickens.
The real mystery here is which one, the chicken or the egg, did man decide to eat first? Did he get impatient waiting for the egg to hatch into a chicken and just ate it? Or did he suppose that since eggs are so good, maybe chickens were even better, since good things come to those who wait? Which is true, but good things also come to those who don’t wait. It really just depends on when you want good things to arrive. Ultimately, I think the answer to this query is that he ate the chicken first because he needed to eat something while he was waiting for the egg to hatch since he didn’t know that eggs are edible.
There, question answered. The chicken came first. Now if anybody dares ask me “But where did the chicken come from?” or “But where did the egg come from?” I will throw eggs and chickens at your house and you can tell me which one broke your window first, and where it came from.
Disclaimer: A lot of chickens were harmed during the penning of this essay. Just not as a direct result, or by me, unless you count the one that I ate.
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