A Refugee In Love’s Debris
by Alexandra Savilo
Try as I might, I honestly can’t remember either of my parents as a child. To me, they were always two entities that may or may not have coexisted. I don’t really know what went on during those years. Moreover, I don’t blame either of my parents for their absence in my childhood. In fact, had they been more prominent figures in my growing years, I fear that the bitterness that tore them apart would have affected me in a much more profound and destructive way than I could have ever imagined.
Growing up, I saw that my parents seemed to put a great deal of effort into family outings. My father didn’t like garage sales, and my mother didn’t like watching television, so our family used to go to museums or theme parks. On these trips everyone seemed so very happy, and we always went out for dinner or ice cream afterward. But I often noticed they didn’t speak to each other, only to me. I never really wondered why that was, assuming that it was only natural that I was the center of attention. But as the years passed, I noticed they didn’t show any signs of affection to each other ever. The holidays were like obligatory events, like the fact that you need to get your boss a Christmas present to get on his good side and maybe get a promotion in the new year. Even though I had never really seen my parents argue until then, I had noticed that my life was very disconnected. The only person whom I always saw cheerful and full of life was my grandmother.
I don’t remember when my world of pastel-shaded family outings and holidays started to take on a darker tinge, but I remember a time when I could sense clearly that something was wrong, and I was very confused, and very unhappy. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on when my grandmother kept telling me to go into the basement so that she could read me a story. But I do remember her stories were very loudly narrated during those times, and I would keep asking her why.
“Because my love, in the basement, we are underneath the ground, and the sound needs a stronger push to get out.” It didn’t make much sense, and in that moment that I pondered, I heard yelling. I crept up the stairs to the basement door, only to find it locked. Locked from the outside. I pressed my ear to the door, and for the first time, I heard my parents screaming at each other and crying. What was wrong? In pure panic, I banged on the door with all my might and everything stopped. When the door opened, I searched them everywhere for a cut or a bruise, but I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t understand; who had hurt whom? I was too young to know that then that their scars were deep underneath their skins.
There were a myriad of excuses over the next few years that my grandmother would think up when times like this would arise. I remember one night we spent two whole hours beading the longest necklace I had ever come across. And she had picked the most difficult pattern with the most hard to find beads in the box. But over time she saw that these diversions no longer worked, and that my curiosity had grown beyond its innocent boundaries, and into the ponderings of a more adult way of thinking. It wasn’t so much about how I could make this situation change, but, why was it happening, and what were they arguing about, and perhaps, was there anyway that this could be resolved?
Shortly after, my mother moved into the basement, and it left my grandmother one less domain to creep and crawl into when the stormy tides rolled into our household. I loved my parents with all my heart, but I could sense there was something going on that I couldn’t control, something I couldn’t fix. And it pained me more than my parents could ever imagine. I knew that they weren’t arguing about me, they barely knew me, the person I really was; they preferred, like most, to see me as just a “child” and not much more. And I began to wonder in the times that we spent together, was it because they too had never spoken to each other that they fought? Did they too no longer know each other, and if so, would this eventually happen to me? Would I begin to fight with each of my parents?
I became quickly disinterested in everything that my parents had tried to occupy me with. Gymnastics were a bore, dancing was tedious, I didn’t like soccer, and every note that I played on the piano sounded like a parrot screeching in my ear. Soon, this anger within myself began to bubble in ways that I didn’t realize until years after. I had become sick and tired of my parents arguments, annoyed that after so many years they could not resolve their problems.
But more importantly, I was hurt and angry that they wouldn’t tell me what or why was everything happening the way it was. Perhaps this is why today I need to know everything about my mother, or about a person in order to feel that I can trust them. Being in the dark, even though my parents had likely done it for my own protection, made me feel so, so insignificant and useless.
After my mother and I visited cousins in Arizona, she moved out of our family’s home. It had been on my parents’ anniversary day. To me, it didn’t seem like it was on purpose, but more like my mother had come back after her vacation and decided that there was no point in postponing the inevitable. I guess what hurt me the most was that as she got into the car with my grandmother, not once had they asked if I wanted to come. And I didn’t know why, but at the moment there was nothing more in the world that I wanted than to be with them. But they just drove down the road as if they were any other car that passed by our quiet suburban street. It was as if nothing had ever really happened and there had never been any bonds to hold us together.
Today I look back at those years as if they are a muddled reflection of myself in a dark pool of water. It’s the truest form I’ll ever know of myself, and each ripple that blurs a part of me is just something I haven’t quite come to terms with yet. I have, however learned some very important things about myself. Some things that, I’m not entirely proud of. Being so isolated from the real world, it seemed to me the only place I could be content, was in a fantastical realm of my own.
It was in this make-believe world that I created what my friends tease as my Prince Charming Complex. In my parents I saw a marriage formed for all the wrong reasons, despite knowing at the point little to nothing of either of them. It took several years of painful observing to learn the unfortunate fact that, despite your deepest wishes, you can’t change a person fundamentally unless they so choose to. Perhaps we all are blinded by the prospect of love, and the many magical things that can come with it. That people see more in their crushes, or in their significant others than what there truly is, hoping that in marriage, or in another phase of the relationship, that part will materialize.
As sad as it may sound, I can never fathom this as truth. If I am to find my true love, whoever he may be, he must present all the qualities I could ever ask for on his own accord, because it is who he is, and not who he is to become. But in this realistic mindset I have trapped myself and fallen prey to envisioning what I could want in a partner. And it is this thought that haunts me into thinking I’ll never be able to fully love someone, or know for sure when enough is enough, for fear of enduring what my parents did. Two people who are wonderful and caring when they do not know of each other’s existence, two parents who are two strangers under the same roof.
In that dark, besmeared and muddy puddle I see a part of myself I struggle with everyday. It is the insecure side of my nature that questions every step of the way, and demands more than enough information about the people I am close to, or growing close to, for my own safety. I’m not afraid of people; I’m just afraid of what they can do to me. I’m afraid that in a world of six million breathing souls, I can feel alone and gasping for breath. In all my relationships whether they be platonic or romantic, I notice that I cannot open up to people unless they open up to me first. As a child my family kept me in the dark and there are still many secrets that hinder me from ever expressing my true emotions. If I cannot even somewhat predict how someone will react to what I will say, I will quite possibly never say it.
And so I sit now, watching my mother across the room with a glass of wine in her hand staring somberly into the night sky. She never wanted this to happen. No one does. No one grows up wanting to be in a divorce. And while thwarted love might leave you cynical, it often makes you long for love with a secret, desperate thirst. So as petty and childish as my present hopes and dreams of romantic love are, I cast them aside, which some of my friends consider further proof of my “Prince Charming Complex”. But to them I’d say, who cares about my Prince Charming for now, when my parents need their own? For now, I can only help them the best I can, and give them every ounce of love a child can, in hopes that it might begin to seal the wound that may never fully heal.
<<Back | Next>>
February 07 2009 09:23 am | Uncategorized
November 25th, 2009 at 2:44 am
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
December 30th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Hi! IKHjCM
January 19th, 2010 at 9:51 pm
Hi! NDCptg gVMsXVqe
January 25th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
pQRummVe Cheap Xanax
January 25th, 2010 at 6:35 pm
cZAblG Tramadol
January 25th, 2010 at 7:43 pm
vuJtTu Buy Tramadol
January 27th, 2010 at 4:11 pm
cBcVDiNu Buy Ambien
January 27th, 2010 at 6:04 pm
DrJxCtQ Cheap Ambien
January 27th, 2010 at 7:10 pm
ZVnmaRvi Cheap viagra
January 30th, 2010 at 5:07 pm
rhULez Phentermine
February 5th, 2010 at 3:43 pm
SqiUHPX Buy Cialis Online
February 8th, 2010 at 9:55 pm
ABScEJ Valium
February 8th, 2010 at 11:36 pm
meBZbN Buy Ambien
February 10th, 2010 at 12:02 am
JuIczQU Buy Valium
February 10th, 2010 at 8:19 pm
QtZZAc Alprazolam
February 11th, 2010 at 1:05 am
pUTFkZ Cheap Xanax
February 11th, 2010 at 5:43 am
DsKhlN Buy Ativan
February 12th, 2010 at 6:42 pm
BeikBFNb Buy Tramadol
February 13th, 2010 at 12:37 pm
FqsQdAR Buy Camel
February 14th, 2010 at 11:04 pm
cuAwcZoy Viagra
February 15th, 2010 at 5:11 pm
vbQdrlBG Valium
February 16th, 2010 at 6:16 pm
KBurjR Ambien
February 17th, 2010 at 5:03 pm
mTXqNl Buy Phentermine
February 19th, 2010 at 12:01 am
eerzzYu Phentermine
February 19th, 2010 at 7:13 pm
jOLDRYMf Cialis
February 20th, 2010 at 7:46 pm
TyaePM Xanax
February 23rd, 2010 at 3:17 pm
QOdRHaBJ Cheap Valium
February 24th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
xeLdrpox Ativan
February 26th, 2010 at 5:32 pm
jIAmgyEd Xanax
February 27th, 2010 at 4:41 pm
sJjzidOr Xanax
February 28th, 2010 at 10:19 pm
wqWRMC Ambien
March 1st, 2010 at 7:21 pm
GZdsbuD Rolex Watches
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:39 pm
MiXjby Buy Valium
March 4th, 2010 at 10:08 pm
PMcoGENH Buy Viagra online
March 5th, 2010 at 10:44 pm
nVWySV Cheap Phentermine
March 7th, 2010 at 7:07 pm
YhFCvWmh Ambien
March 8th, 2010 at 9:00 pm
QRBmyM Buy Phentermine
March 10th, 2010 at 12:31 am
oPshNI Buy Ambien
March 10th, 2010 at 11:42 pm
ucrYcW Xanax
March 11th, 2010 at 9:23 pm
YJwGvKO Cheap Phentermine
March 15th, 2010 at 1:21 am
SxqnlHN Ambien
March 15th, 2010 at 11:33 pm
VXyTset Xanax
March 17th, 2010 at 10:42 pm
rspXxwig Buy Phentermine
March 19th, 2010 at 4:13 am
nySZVrxt Xanax
March 21st, 2010 at 9:28 pm
ADWcKx Cheap Xanax
March 29th, 2010 at 2:56 am
BNloXy Cheap Xanax
March 31st, 2010 at 10:41 pm
lQdBmUFD Phentermine
April 2nd, 2010 at 7:36 pm
KSbWNpk Buy Xanax
April 6th, 2010 at 10:31 pm
PnPxdqc Cheap Phentermine
April 8th, 2010 at 7:41 pm
kByTpL Cheapest Cialis
April 18th, 2010 at 5:59 am
ALtUkC
April 18th, 2010 at 12:10 pm
simulation proxy seen 1990 content burning produce back
April 18th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
place future joint resulted engine assumptions cupcake aerosols
April 23rd, 2010 at 4:32 am
BDaGoGy Cheap Phentermine
May 2nd, 2010 at 2:09 am
The Kreg Jig Pocket Hole System (K4) is the perfect choice for do-it-yourselfers and anyone new to Kreg Joinery. Whether you’re building your first set of garage storage shelves or making simple repairs around the house, the Kreg Jig Pocket Hole System can help you finish the job in less time, and with far less effort than you ever thought possible.
May 2nd, 2010 at 4:46 pm
One of the benefits of shopping online is that it helps consumer saves time. This suits the current lifestyle of most people who are rather busy and have difficulty finding time doing all their shopping at physical stores. With online shopping, they can cut down on their traveling time. Furthermore, if the product they want is not available in the physical store, they need to go to another store to find it. With shopping online, all these inconvenience can be avoided.
May 2nd, 2010 at 5:28 pm
There are several advantages to shopping online, the first one being the ability to shop at a time that is convenient to you, not just when the shops are open. The second advantage of shopping online is that goods are often cheaper as the seller does not have the costs of running a shop and having to pay wages to salespeople, insurance and all of the other running costs of a real world business.
May 9th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
Thank you for another fantastic blog. Where else could I get this kind of information written in such an incite full way? I have a project that I am just now working on, and I have been looking for such information… Regards…
May 12th, 2010 at 10:26 pm
Online shopping provides consumers with many benefits. Many people have discovered the advantages of online shopping and hence, prefer to use this mode of shopping to buy their goods. This explains why there is an increasing number of people using online shopping. At times, besides being able to obtain their goods faster through shopping online, they can get their goods at prices lower than those offered by physical retail stores.
May 18th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
There are several advantages to shopping online, the first one being the ability to shop at a time that is convenient to you, not just when the shops are open. The second advantage of shopping online is that goods are often cheaper as the seller does not have the costs of running a shop and having to pay wages to salespeople, insurance and all of the other running costs of a real world business.
May 21st, 2010 at 1:18 am
I thought it was going to be some boring old post, but it really compensated for my time. I will post a link to this page on my blog. I am sure my visitors will find that very useful. . . .
May 21st, 2010 at 6:29 am
By far the most concise and up to date information I found on this topic. Sure glad that I navigated to your page by accident. I’ll be subscribing to your feed so that I can get the latest updates. Appreciate all the information here
May 21st, 2010 at 10:15 am
This post was very nicely written, and it also contains a lot of useful facts. I appreciated your professional way of writing this post. Thanks, you have made it very easy for me to understand.
May 21st, 2010 at 7:32 pm
Recently, I did not give whole lot thought to commenting on weblog articles and have left feedback even less. Viewing your useful piece of writing, might inspire me to do this again.
May 21st, 2010 at 8:33 pm
Took me time to read all the comments, but I really enjoyed the article. It proved to be Very helpful to me and I am sure to all the commenters here! It’s always nice when you can not only be informed, but also entertained! I’m sure you had fun writing this article.
May 21st, 2010 at 10:55 pm
I hate to sound like a nitpick, but your grammar is just…deplorable. I want to be interested in this, I really do. But it seems you spent so much time on the design (which, I will say, is amazing) that you forgot that people actually have to read your blog. Clean this up…PLEASE. It could be so much bigger if you just did some work.
May 22nd, 2010 at 12:53 am
Recently, I didn’t give so much thought to writing comments on blog entries and have left comments even less. Checking out your insightful page, will probably encourage me to do so more regularly.
May 22nd, 2010 at 9:09 am
Recently, I did not give whole lot thought to commenting on weblog articles and have left feedback even less. Viewing your useful piece of writing, might inspire me to do this again.
May 24th, 2010 at 12:22 pm
Thanks for taking this opportunity to discuss this, I feel fervently about this and I like learning about this subject. If possible, as you gain information, please update this blog with more information. I have found it really useful.
May 25th, 2010 at 2:46 am
Good post, thanks
May 25th, 2010 at 6:42 am
I just cant stop reading this. Its so cool, so full of information that I just didnt know. Im glad to see that people are actually writing about this issue in such a smart way, showing us all different sides to it. Youre a great blogger. Please keep it up. I cant wait to read whats next.
May 25th, 2010 at 11:51 pm
Hey - nice blog, just looking around some websites, seems a really nice platform you are using. I’m currently using Wordpress for a few of my sites but looking to change one of them over to a platform similar to yours as a trial run.
June 2nd, 2010 at 12:06 am
Excellent information here. This interesting post made me smile. Maybe if you throw in a couple of pics it will make the whole thing more interesting.
June 7th, 2010 at 1:25 am
Wow! Thank you! I always wanted to write in my site something like that. Can I take part of your
June 7th, 2010 at 5:24 pm
Hi there I like your post
June 23rd, 2010 at 1:03 am
Manga is excellent, I in particular love Astro Boy
July 9th, 2010 at 7:50 pm
Whats up! Your subject matter tutor me acquire an impressive grade and I give thanks to you for that. Do you have a couple type of donation box where I can certainly give gift in PayPal?
July 9th, 2010 at 7:50 pm
Might you be interested on a website link exchange? Kindly communicate us a message. At the same time, I am fascinated in putting classified ads on this situation website. I can’t discover the contact web page so right here I am.
July 10th, 2010 at 7:46 pm
What youre saying is completely true. I know that everybody must say the same thihttp://www.adsense-id.com/forums/images/vtc/36_002.gifng, but I just think that you put it in a way that everyone can understand. I also love the images you put in here. They fit so well with what youre trying to say. Im sure youll reach so many people with what youve got to say.
July 10th, 2010 at 7:46 pm
What youre saying is completely true. I know that everybody must say the same thihttp://www.adsense-id.com/forums/images/vtc/36_002.gifng, but I just think that you put it in a way that everyone can understand. I also love the images you put in here. They fit so well with what youre trying to say. Im sure youll reach so many people with what youve got to say.
July 10th, 2010 at 11:13 pm
I was thinking of using BlogEngine but then I saw that most of the sites I looked either had comments full of spam or they had simply closed the comments altogether. I hope that you have been able to combat the spam because at the moment it is something that is making me stay away from BE.
July 10th, 2010 at 11:13 pm
Hai, i am the owner of pastisold.com.Thank’s for sharing this info.This is very useful and informative material.Good post and keep it up friend.
July 11th, 2010 at 3:37 am
This is the type of information that should be shared around the web. Shame on the search engines for not positioning this post higher!
July 17th, 2010 at 10:16 am
Thank you very much for the info provided! I was looking for this information for quite some time, but I was not able to find a dependable source.
July 18th, 2010 at 9:12 am
I think you should write more detailed article, I need specification about the software, including download link and file size
July 18th, 2010 at 9:12 am
I think you should write more detailed article, I need specification about the software, including download link and file size
July 18th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
I think you should write more detailed article, I need specification about the software, including download link and file size
July 18th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
I think you should write more detailed article, I need specification about the software, including download link and file size
July 20th, 2010 at 6:11 pm
Thank you very much for the information provided! I was finding for this article for quite some time, but I wasn’t able to see a dependable source.
July 24th, 2010 at 4:31 am
Excellent read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that. And he actually bought me lunch because I found it for him smile So let me rephrase that: Thanks for lunch!
July 26th, 2010 at 12:09 am
I’ve really enjoyed reading your articles. You obviously know what you are talking about! Your site is so easy to navigate too, I’ve bookmarked it in my favourites. . . . .
July 28th, 2010 at 12:49 pm
I included your blog to my RSS feed, thanks for the blog post! Looking forward to another post soon! Thanks!