Humor: Happy Holidays
by Mark ReCupido
(Illinois, USA)
I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge the holidays. I think the true meanings sometimes get lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. So get some eggnog, light a candle, and take in the splendor of the season. By the way, this is only about “The Holidays” not all holidays. There’s a difference.
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Hanukkah (a.k.a Chanukah or Hanukah) - Is this a holiday or the sound I make when I sneeze? Come on. Anything that’s got that many spellings can’t be a real word, much less a holiday: pick one. Sorry, but it was either that or a Holocaust joke.
Christmas - A wonderful, pious, holy holiday where believers celebrate Jesus’ birth by going to church and spending time with family, thus fulfilling the Fifth Commandment’s wish that you “honor thy mother and father and uncle and aunt and cousin.” You should note that the full Commandment didn’t fit on the tablet, so they got SparkNotes to shorten it for them. Oh, there’s also some gift giving thrown in there. Nothing too big, though.
Signature of the Constitution of the Republic of China - The grinch stole Christmas and gave it to the Chinese. That’s right, signed on December 25th, they celebrate this day like Christmas, and that’s straight from Wikipedia (so it’s true). Looking at their list, is it some requirement that every country/religion has to have some sort of winter celebration?
Kwanzaa - Some “doctor” decided there ought to be a holiday honoring black people. I’m sorry, apparently nobody told him about Black History Month. We give your people a whole month of honor and this is how you repay us?
New Year’s Eve - A time when everybody gets drunk. And the people who are too young to drink are taught how to act drunk. They bang on pots and pans, and make a mess by throwing little pieces of paper everywhere (paper vomit!), and wear ridiculous hats. I suppose the reason people get drunk is because they realize that they have accomplished nothing that year and want to feel good about themselves and just forget about all the wasted time and mistakes. What better way to do this than starting off the new year by wasting time and making mistakes? (Usually in the form of accidental sex or a car accident). That, and being drunk is the only way to make watching numbers change entertaining.
New Year’s Eve - A time when everybody gets drunk. And the people who are too young to drink are taught how to act drunk. They bang on pots and pans, and make a mess by throwing little pieces of paper everywhere (paper vomit!), and wear ridiculous hats. I suppose the reason people get drunk is because they realize that they have accomplished nothing that year and want to feel good about themselves and just forget about all the wasted time and mistakes. What better way to do this than starting off the new year by wasting time and making mistakes? (Usually in the form of accidental sex or a car accident). That, and being drunk is the only way to make watching numbers change entertaining.
And I don’t see why we’re allowed to say “Happy New Year” when we can’t say “Merry Christmas” because there are people who don’t believe in New Year’s Eve; people who believe in something called the “Chinese New Year.” I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re wrong. The New Year starts on January 26th this year? Come on, everybody knows that it starts six days after the birth of Christ.
“Happy” New Year.
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December 24 2008 01:12 am | Uncategorized
February 4th, 2010 at 1:22 am
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March 10th, 2010 at 5:33 pm
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