A Never-to-be-Sent College Essay: The Bathtub Monologues
by Alexandra Savilo
(Ontario, Canada)
Before I spill every less-than-public moment about Alexandra and her cleanliness, I would like to first off congratulate and thank Oxford for taking into consideration the feelings of us bathtubs and how we affect our users’ lives. It’s not everyday we are acknowledged for our hard work – but after all, someone has to keep the water and the shed skin and grime in a container that flows down the seemingly infinite pipe. We wouldn’t want soaked carpets or tiles now, would we?
My name is American Standard; my model number was etched off when Alexandra’s grandmother had a stroke when Alexandra was three and they had to install a handle right over my name. I wish I could tell you what it is, but there are only remnants of letters that have faded over time. I’m generally known as bathtub; informal, comforting and essential. As a bathtub, I couldn’t really tell you much besides what Alexandra really is. I’m assuming you don’t care about how many strands of her hair I’ve swallowed in the past 17 years, so I’ll move onto what I hope you consider informative and educational.
Alexandra doesn’t really talk to me; to be honest I’d be frightened if she did. She does however sing a myriad of tunes that often describe her mood, and she often verbally reminds herself that who you are in the shower should be who you are in the real world. I’d like to say that is consistent because the minute I feel the foot towel slipping off my side to the minute she steps a foot outside of me, I don’t really notice a change. She’s consistent in the sense that both physically or mentally naked she will always scream when she sees a spider crawling up my tiles, or wish that time slowed down when she took bubble bath.
But I would like to talk about her singing. Since my ears are numbed with soap suds I’ll save you my personal critique of her pitch and tone and skip straight to the good stuff – what she sings. She feels that music is an expression of art, more importantly of life that keeps with you no matter where or who you are. On days close to her grandmother’s birthday she hums Romanian nursery rhymes softly and will mix in some of her tears with my water. She’ll fog up my tiles with such an extreme heat that it turns her skin an abrasive red. She ignores this as she draws with her finger stick figures and clouds the way she used to in kindergarten. The heat hugs her tightly as it sloshes about in my basin. I think I’m her cradle, in fact, if I ever met another bathtub I think they would also feel the same way. The bathroom is the only place where one can truly get all the privacy they ever wanted – a small space (provided you don’t fear them) , a locked door and a surrounding silence that lets you be whatever you want to. Sure, I may keep the vinyl floors I’m resting on clean and dry, but I also am the main conference centre for anything Alexandra wants to figure out in her life. Her homework schedule tomorrow? Bet your bottom dollar she was humming the national anthem, imagining herself at school the next day and planning out when she’d do what. And as she lathers herself up, she looks at me, looks at her feet and enters her self-conscious realm. She’ll start humming “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera, or Christmas carols which oddly enough seem to relieve her and place her in this odd capsule of nostalgia and happiness. I think I’ve heard almost every song that has ever been sung, but there are quite a few which repeat themselves.
I can’t spout off how smart she is, couldn’t tell you when she learned how to read or if she gifted in middle school as well as elementary school – I’m not psychic, I’m just a tub that sheds off an old, worn-out perspective smeared with highlighters and ketchup to give her a new slate. I listen to whatever she has to say, and give her a fresh start, one that isn’t so intimidating as she sometimes sings about.
Alexandra isn’t perfect, goodness knows how many times she’s slipped and tumbled and cracked me in the process. She may not stick to routine as much as the conformists wish, but she always understands the need for a good soak, the safe haven it provides, and that interviewers like to smell Dove rather than body odour.
So what can I tell you, my dearest Oxford, that an IQ or SAT test could not tell you besides you are her dream school? That she is true to herself, true to her word, and that she makes time for a bath, and puts a lot of care, effort and hard work in what she does. Its why she washes herself everyday, even if her singing is a little off-key.
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November 17 2008 03:05 am | Uncategorized
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Dear Alex,
I honestly think that colleges appreciate this sort of abstract, offbeat, amazing-ness. This is the essay that an admissions officer will pick up at 2 am - his 50th application of the day, the one that he is most likely to read through the fastest and reject at once, BUT THEN, when he starts reading, he is caught up in the drama, the language, the literary beauty, and the next thing he knows,it’s 3 am and he is throwing the essay and the application attached onto the pile marked “review for Admissions Committee hearing”, with a smile on his face.
You’re amazing !
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ahaha I actually agree. I think the odder liberal arts colleges (at least around here) would like this a lot
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Awww thanks you guys! Just letting you know that this was inspired by Sarah’s awesometastic essay, and that I won’t be applying anywhere in the states. I just had a creative flow going, and felt like testing the waters.
But I’m glad to hear that it is appreciated and that I might actually have had a chance to get into Yalie and others of the sorts. <3
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