I Said No Because I Wanted To: A Response to “The S Word”
by Alexandra Savilo
(Ontario, Canada)
Last issue, Ranjini Nagraj brought up some food for thought regarding the VMA’s and sexuality amongst adolescents. As a reader I understood where she was coming from and commended her for her courageousness and strong stances. It takes guts for someone our age to stand up for what they believe in. However, while reading that article I felt that for people like me who disagree, it didn’t necessarily give us an equal platform to stand on and voice our opinions. This article is a response and a balance of contrasting views so that a greater number of Word! readers feel like they’ve been accounted for.
Living in Canada, in a public school, I know that there is more than just one way to prevent myself from becoming pregnant (i.e. abstinence). I know where everybody’s “parts” are, and what goes where and why things act the way they do. I‘m not deeply religious, nor is my family. Essentially, what I‘m trying to tell you, my fine reader, is that I live in a fairly open demographic that is not trying to sway any thoughts of mine into one direction when it comes to sex.
So then, how did I arrive to say no? What on earth could have possibly made me want to follow old social or religious norms in a world of racing innovation and modernity? Because, when I was about eight years old and was taught about the birds and the bees from my neighbor’s older sister, it suddenly hit me that I wouldn’t go that far until I met my Prince Charming.
Now at the time, Prince Charming was about a foot tall, wore clothes that had velcro fastners and had an alias of the name of Ken. But that thought somehow teetered through my mind for many years to come. I was only eight, I could not have made such a huge decision and kept it for no particular reason. So as the years passed, and I saw middle school students giggling and blushing while pointing to someone from across the room it made sense to me. Just because these feelings pass through us does not mean we need to take charge of them on impulse simply because we feel them. If we feel really dumb, do we actually slap ourselves, or kick the wall? And if we do, don’t we complain and wish we hadn’t done it in the first place?
Sex for me, is sort of like that. Its a very precious moment. Its not what separates us from other animals because we do it recreationally. Its not something to be taken lightly or because its cool. Let me just remind you that not many other animals have opposable thumbs or the mental capability to retain language or complex thought. We’re the only ones who have truly technified our world, of course we’re the only ones with condoms and birth control pills.
Looking back, and now, at students in middle school, and even younger, there are more and more interested in sex and dating. And it frightens me. What happened to our innocence? You have your whole lives to be an adult and to endure the stress that comes around it. The only thing an eight year old should be worrying about is what time do they have to go inside for dinner, or that no cars are passing as they rush across the street to pick up their wandering soccer ball.
Coming to high school people mature at different levels and not everyone thinks the way you do. I had always envisioned myself in a relationship, certainly wanted it ever since my foot stepped in my secondary school, but I wasn’t really sure how much was involved in it. And I wasn’t your Average Ashley who spent hours talking over the phone about nail polish or the O.C. or volleyball tryouts. I was your average nerd, one who came of age in more ways than one much quicker than most students. And I believe there requires a great deal of maturity when you do have sex. I often find that those who do have sex at a young age do it as something to elevate themselves, or something that just needs to be over and done with.
I agree whole-heartedly with Ranjini that having sex does not make you a slut. I just think that, if you have such a wonderful and precious relationship with another person, than it doesn’t matter whether or not you have sex with them. They should respect whatever you want. For me, my virginity is the last pure and innocent token I‘ll ever have. I‘ll only have one chance to give it away, and I want to make sure that whom I give it to, will be the only person I will ever give it to. For me, its more a gift of faith, loyalty and complete love.
And that to me, holds more power than any purity ring or condom. If he loves me he’ll wait, because that means he’s in it for the long run too. It may be old fashioned, it may be due to a lot of fairy tale hogwash that I‘ve been raised with, but for me, sex is essentially the final level. And if you think about it, after sex, after moving in with that person - what’s a marriage license going to give you that you didn’t have already? And if you’d like to do some research on it, folks - the reason for most divorces since the invention of the birth control pill is the fact that the whole preconceived notion that marriage changes everything, is false now. Because you’ve already changed these important things already. The magic’s gone.
I completely respect those who feel they are mature enough to embrace another physically and psychologically naked. Goodness knows, I don’t believe I‘m there yet. All I ask, is that when you do go about your bedroom activities (or backseat, or wherever) make sure that you really want this, and that you’re sure of what you’re doing. Don’t just give into temptation or heat, because that will fade just as quickly as it came.
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October 19 2008 11:21 am | Uncategorized
October 21st, 2008 at 11:15 am
agreed.
October 23rd, 2008 at 8:43 am
final level! (hears mortal combat music):D
October 25th, 2008 at 3:19 am
Alex,
Simply wonderful stuff! The world needs more people who think like you and are prepared to act like you!
October 26th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Nicely written Alex =)
Although I’m sure you already know my point of view on the issue. I find it slightly odd that you stated that you disagree with her, and yet nothing in your article contradicted anything that she said. She didn’t say that abstinence is wrong; she only said that having sex before marriage is not.
In the end, it IS and should be a matter of choice. It’s true that some people rush into it for entirely the wrong reasons, but it’s their own choice to make. And I don’t believe that our virginity is the last innocent thing we have. What about rape victims? Can you say that they lost their innocence?
I’m also waiting for my Prince Charming, and I’ll definitely be careful to whom I’ll give it away. But, that doesn’t mean that I’ll necessarily wait until marriage. Sometimes, when the relationship between two people is so strong, the act of making love comes naturally. It’s not about pressure. It’s about mutual respect, understanding, and passion.
Another point I’d like to make is that, depresing at it is, almost half the marriages nowadays end in divorce. What if Prince Charming turns out to not be Prince Charming after all? Will you regret that you lost your virginity to him?
I’m NOT in any way saying that abstinence until marriage is wrong nor foolish. I’m just giving examples of extreme cases. Certainly, sex before marriage has it’s risks, including the risk of STD’s, pregnancies, and additional emotional stress. But sex should be a choice.
October 26th, 2008 at 9:51 am
hmmm, its not like yur risk of contracting an STD from your partner before or after marriage is greater. sorry for stating the obvious, but it was worth mentioning
October 26th, 2008 at 10:25 am
lol. You’re totally right on that one Karn
I meant it as risk of spreading STDs. It’s assumed that once married, you’re not gonna keep on sleeping with other people and thus less spreading of STDs. Sorry for my poor wording.
October 26th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Diana,
In regards to rape victims I don’t believe that is a very good example to use. In most cases, they do feel their innocence has been taken away from them in regards to going through such an ordeal, and also they have given their virginity unwillingly, which is another argument in and of itself.
And as for Prince Charming, I think people rush into things. While I may wait and go through a whole bunch of things in order to say “he’s the one i want to marry” others may just jump in and forget to calculate things. And yes I know, when you’re in love everything becomes hazy, but if you don’t focus on what’s going on - that’s your own fault.
In essence, when I meant I disagreed, I was referring to some of her points in regards to pro-sex-before-marriage rather than pro-choice-to-have-sex and have stated so whenever I discuss a contrast in one of her points.
I love your guys feedback, it really touches me that this interests you!