Humor: Good Grief
by Mark ReCupido
(Illinois, USA)1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
If you remember anything from Health class other than that the word “penis” is still funny, it’s probably that the words above are the five “stages” of grief. What you thought was a complex emotional response you go through when you’re upset can be defined in 5 easy steps with no down payment.
When my teacher first told me that I react to negative events in a predictable and similar fashion to everybody else I said, “Screw you! That’s not true.” But then I realized that I had played right into her hands. That was classic stage one: denial, with a little bit of anger thrown in there. So I worked through the next four steps and about two days later I decided to do something about the amount of suffering I go through. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. And the shortest time to complete a distance is achieved by not stopping. And in this case, distance is emotional pain. That is why I decided that from that moment on, whenever I realize I am in denial of something, I will skip straight ahead to acceptance and never look back.
This saves me so much time. The other day my friend said I was “so gay”, and my response to him made me realize that I was clearly in denial and must be gay. So I accepted that I was gay. Unfortunately, I forgot to tell my parents my new grieving method before I told them about the gay thing.
“You’re not gay if you like women, Mark.” Classic denial.
I don’t see any reason to not skip past anger, bargaining, and depression. You’re really not missing anything good. All you will miss out on is accidentally breaking something, realizing that if god exists he probably thinks you are really whiny, and getting really into Coldplay (in that order.) Who really has the time nowadays to be depressed? No matter what happened.
Even though I beat the system, I still have a bone to pick with this whole “stages of grief” thing. First of all, it causes every idiot who has taken a psychology class to smugly point out that you are “in denial” which “isn’t just a river in Egypt.” These people seem to think that the only reason people deny things is because they are in denial. I deny that Google is taking over the world but- wait, that’s a bad example, I’ll probably have to accept that some day. But I think you know what I mean. Also, it doesn’t aways work perfectly. For example, when someone is getting over a break-up, the steps are a little different (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, Ben and Jerry’s, Sex and the City, acceptance.) By the way, if you want to see someone go through all five of the steps really quickly, stand by a vending machine that sometimes rejects money.
Now you know the secret. Follow this new grieving plan and you will find yourself a much happier person. Don’t conform to how the “man” wants you to be sad. And don’t be selfish: spread the word. Anytime you see the five stages of grief, be it in books or pamphlets, cross out the middle three steps so that other people can see the truth. Cut out the middle men.
1. Denial
2. Acceptance
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October 19 2008 12:08 pm | Uncategorized
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