Word! To Yo Mama : The Quirks Corner
What if Gore Was President?
by Maysen Yen
Staff Writer (Illinois, USA)Narrator: Imagine a world without glow sticks, what would people rave about? Imagine a world without Jared’s subway diet. How would we lose weight? Imagine a world where Al Gore was declared the winner instead of Bush, what would the news be about?
Anchor: *grumble* I don’t get paid nearly as much as those damn nighttime news anchors. I’m going to need some Vicodin to get through the day. *takes out one pill, looks at it, then dumps whole bottle in mouth* *relieved sigh*
Oh, we’re on…
Anchor: Good morning America! And welcome to WAAG Chicago. This is your anchorman, Mark Smith, signing in.
Co-Anchor: And this is Shelly McArthur, your co-anchor. Tonight’s program is brought to you by Ford. Feel the difference. Be sure to check out their new 2007 Ford SUV.
Anchor: Indeed, Shelly. Because of President Al Gore’s new initiative to push for alternative energy sources, these SUVS are now completely the last cars to change from gasoline powered to starches found in potatoes.
Co-Anchor: Yes, the United States is now the biggest importer of potatoes from Ireland, importing 11 million barrels… oops… sacks of potatoes. People are now campaigning for offshore farming. But anyways, onto our top story.
Anchor: Paris Hilton has been caught driving with a suspended license again. She will serve up to 60 days of house arrest, and fines up to 100,000 dollars. Here is a statement from Hilton’s lawyer… Shelly?
Co-Anchor: Apparently, Paris admits that she was driving without a valid license. She says…
Oh my god, I can’t read this… It goes on for 4 pages… Ok, you know what Mark? I’m tired of this frigging story. Why the hell does it whenever she does something illegal, it makes the top story when more important stories get pushed! This is ridiculous! I refuse to read this! I’ve had two felony convictions regarding my relationship with my interns, but you don’t hear that on the news!
Anchor: (whispers through gritted teeth) We’re on live, Shelly!
Co-Anchor: NO! I HAD IT WITH THIS…. (cut)
Man: Someone cut to a commercial!
Rick: (with big smile) Rick and Sons Furniture Emporium is having it’s going out of business sale, because of certain diabolical corporations such as IKEA! Everything must go! Just like my ex-wife who ran off with our ski instructor on our 10th anniversary. We are prepared to cut back prices, just like how I found out my teenage daughter cuts herself. Bad credit? No problem! We’ll take anything… everything, just like my ex-wife! With prices of quality sofas priced at $700, which is $698 more than in my bank account, you can guarantee quality with great deals. So come on down to Rick and Sons Furniture Emporium, or rather just Rick’s Furniture Emporium since my ex-wife is taking custody of my sons.
Anchor: Hello America! We’re back. Apparently Shelly was feeling under the weather today. No worries though, we will continue on with the broadcast. Anyways, onto our next story, North Korean forces move into the South Korean border in a full scale invasion. U.S intervention in this conflict is a possibility. President Gore announced this during a press release:
President Gore: The North Korean invasion will not be tolerated. The United States military will move soon to counter the North Koreans. The threat of nuclear weapons use from Kim Jong-Il is a scary thought. But you know what’s scarier? Global warming! The polar icecaps are melting a fast rate. If we don’t pass my new initiatives in Congress, then we won’t have to worry about a nuclear holocaust, because the world will be flooded. So please, America, worry about the environment.
Anchor: Yes indeed Mr. President, thanks to all your environmental programs, CO2 gas emissions are now at an all time low. We will turn to our senior meteorologist, Keith Weathers, for our segment “Environmental Watch.”
Meteorologist: Thank you Mark. Due to recent efforts by Gore, the polar icecaps are no longer melting. The climate is also relatively cool. Also, hurricanes have been lying low for the past few years, other than Hurricane Katrina in Louisiana back in 2005. However, a quick response team by Gore helped minimize the effects of this hurricane. This has caused legendary rapper Kanye West to issue a statement of praise “President Gore cares a lot about black people.”
Anchor: Thank you Keith. In local news, a high school student from William Fremd High was recently busted at EB Games trying to use a fake ID to purchase an M rated game. Because of the new “Clean Future” law signed by Gore last week, he will be the first to receive the harsh penalties of jail time doing this. As he was brought out of EB Games in cuffs, he issued this statement:
Teen: Bite me Gore! All I wanted was to play Grand Theft Auto! I should have just gone to the party and got wasted instead!
Anchor: In election news, Vice President Joseph Lieberman announced that he will seek the presidency in 2008 to continue Gore’s legacy in the White House. Although sad, the fact that he’s Jewish does put a hamper to whether or not he can actually become president. Some even say that Mormons, women, half-blacks, two-times divorced Catholics, or even worn-out war heroes with bad teeth actually stand a better chance than him.
Anchor: Also hindering Lieberman’s desire to the presidency is the ridicule he faces by the public, because of last year when he accidentally shot Dick Cheney in the face. We managed to catch this video of Dick Cheney moments after the incident.
Dick Cheney: RRRAAARRRGGGHH!
Anchor: Anyways, Lieberman faces strong competition from Republican candidates John McCain, Mitt Romney, and the 2000 presidential candidate George W. Bush. We turn now to our field reporter in a Texas ranch interviewing George W. Bush.
Field Reporter: Thank you Mark, I am here with the 2000 presidential candidate George Bush. Gov. Bush, you have been a strong critic of the Gore Administration over the past seven years. If you were in charge, what would be different?
Bush: Well, you see, I wouldn’t have never allowed them North Koreans to get access to nucluar.. nuclar, err weapons of mass destruction. Also, I would have taken a stronger stand against terrorists after the 9/11 attacks. Saddam Hussein has remained unchecked for too long.
Field Reporter: But President Gore feared a civil war might erupt in Iraq if we invaded. He also stated that we would need a good exit strategy that the generals could not predict on in 2002.
Bush: Oh pish posh. That’s what you get when you leave the Democrats in charge. Too scared to make strong stands against other nations; we have the right to spread freedom throughout the world. It is the duty that God has charged with us. Besides, look at those government programs Gore provided for everyone. Do you know how much of that comes from our taxes? I might even have to foreclose this ranch.
Laura Bush: Georgie! Georgie honey! It’s time for suppa.
Bush: Go away! Can’t you see I’m in the middle of an important interview?
Laura: But Georgie, you’re going to need all the strength you can get for tonight’s herding!
Field Reporter: I didn’t know you went cattle-herding in your free time governor.
Bush: Who said anything about cattle? I go around herding them illegal immigrants back across the border. Since Gore won’t build that wall, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Amnesty my… heheheheh
Field Reporter: Thank you, governor, but I’m afraid that’s all the time we have. Good luck with your campaigning.
Anchor: An interesting interview. But that concludes our election coverage for today. We now go to Dennis Johnson for sports.
Dennis: The Cubs win the World Series again for the 4th time ever since the use of wooden bats has been outlawed to conserve maple trees. Apparently the Cubs are quite skilled with the use of cork bats. Back to you Mark.
Anchor: Well America, that’s all the time we have for tonight. Before we leave, the Department of Environmental Security would like to announce that we moved down to Environmental Hazard Threat Level Yellow. Good job America! This is Mark Smith of WAAG Chicago signing off.
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September 14 2008 08:06 pm | Uncategorized
